it is what it is

ok so i am in the mind set that i am seeing this man but he is a busy man.
so i can feel secure in the fact that he saw me yesterday and will call me when he gets back next week and will see me before i go away next weekend.
this is how normal couples do it at the beginning... they make dates and fit each other in when they can.

i think i am finally removing some of the damage pete has done to my perspective of a relationship. i am finally understanding that my relationship with pete was not a realistic one and no one has that much time on their hands in real life.

i will not freak out all weekend
i will be fine because i am pretty secure knowing that he really likes me so far
and i will not fret because i have not heard from him because i know he wont call
because he will be busy.
i get the impression that he wants to take it slow to see how things develop
and really that is great, like i said yesterday, it forces me to put on the breaks too.
i am glad i dont have other distractions with the online services right now. i need to get
used to dating a real man, not a player. it is odd and new and i think i like it.
it would be better if josh was not away and i was not going to be alone all weekend, but i am sure i wont be alone because i have my friends.
and i have things i could be doing around here and i have movies i can watch too.

i think today is the first day of this journey that i can calmly sit here and say that i feel like i have grown.
my head feels not necessarily clear, but not cloudy like usual.
i feel like i am breathing easier.
i dont know why. it is not because i am in a committed relationship, it is not because i have someone who loves me.... i dont have either of those things yet.
i feel i may be on the slow road to those things but just not sure.... but that is ok with me today. i just feel good about me today. i feel good about my decisions and where i am at right now in my life. i feel ready to start something new. i feel ready to complete what i need to complete. i feel ready to be that good friend to others like they are to me. i feel empowered by my decisions.

and i have no idea why all of that is... but it is....