i am ok with this, i am ok with this.

so seriously i am ok with this
i have to be
last night i was feeling weepy anyway and to not have him call when he said he would dashed my hopes of everything i was feeling
yes he very well could be THAT busy that he cant call or write more than a few words... and the ball truly is in his court now
i have called twice and written an email expressing how i am feeling.
that is ALL i can do.

it all makes me want to throw up, but really i am ok with this
i have to be
i have no choice
i have learned thru this process that i can only control myself and my feelings
no one else

ok, sure, i am actually growing in this process like i had hoped i would.
huh, imagine that!

ok so that is it
that is all i can do
now i just wait
and I HATE WAITING

i sit here and wonder how busy could work be that you cant make a call while you are driving from one place to another. how busy could work be that you cant write more than two sentences in an email..... after all the words that were poured out on sunday.... it seems so odd to leave it that 'breezy'.

so seriously i have done all i can do.
it is really in his court.
and none of it all really matters at this point.
today is probably one of the busiest days i have planned this summer.
i have to leave early to go to court in leominster which is an early time and far away and lots of traffic. i am going to leave earlier than i did last time.
then i will go to the office in worcester and help out a bit but i have to leave there around 2 so i can be back home for 3:30 to get josh for his doc's apt.
then i have to bring 4 medical forms to be filled out. i am so surprised i have them all and have not lost them.... i do have to start to fill them all out for the doc too.... i will do that later on today.
once today is over... then next most hectic thing i have going on is 4th of july weekend with cathy's party and then going to the cape ....eek!

so i decide right this minute to let this go
matnra today is this

i believe in what was said
i am ok with who i am
i am ok with the email i have written
i am ok waiting for a reply

i know that when he reads my email he will see where i am at.
if he chooses not to call or email
then i will know where he is at.
it is just that simple.

i had hoped for so much more this time around.... and it is not too late
maybe work really is that busy.... who knows... when i leave work at 5 i leave work at 5.... maybe he is always at work.... who knows.

i truly hope by the time i go to bed i have some sort of contact .... even if it is to tell me that 'sorry all that glitter was only gold on sunday and it has gone away'
even if it is rejection then i can move on.... but if there is nothing.... i cant tell what my mood will be then.

but for now...i am ok