just to make matters more confusing

ok just to throw a monkey wrench in the works, new patrick called. wants to get together on wednesday. i am about to leave for RI to see the professor at 2.

i have to come up with a new mantra

something to help me do this without feeling weird

something to help me learn about these men so i can see if they are the one i want to be with, without feeling that i am being a slut, or being a bitch... cause that is how i feel sometimes....

it is ok to date more than one man at a time
it is ok to try these people on, over several dates to see what they are like
it is ok to just date
it is ok for me to get to a point where i can make a decision, but it might take me a while to get to that point

i think what confuses me the most is that i really do like new patrick, i just cant figure him out. and i need so much more attention than he has given me. he is just dating me... but he is only dating me and no one else.... seems odd
but he did say he was not ready to cancel his membership... but he is not dating anyone else.
again it goes back to the feeling of time filler. and i am better than that.

but the professor could turn out to be crazy.... who knows!

i dont want to think of any of these men as my only options... if this all does not work out... and i have to start again.... then so be it.

i feel like i have a clean slate with the professor.....
we will see how it goes. i am leaving here in about a half hour and headed to meet him.


and with new patrick... i just dont know.... it would be easier if i did not like him at all. i think he does like me... alot.... just does not have the time for me... or the time that i require at least.
i keep saying that.... everyone tells me to cut him loose... but i dont want to.... not yet.... so it is my choice and i am not going to.


i guess i need to see how they feel about me after another few weeks... whether they really want to see me and talk to me or if i fall into the cracks.
and what if the others call me.... argh! i might just have a nervous breakdown.


wish me luck!