thinking again

well so far so good, no tears, and no fighting... much....
we went to stafford and saw scott's grave then he called grampa art and grampa jerry and talked to grammy jeanne too for a while.
we went to lunch at smokey bones and it was delicious... we shared desserts too... evil evil smokey bones!!
then we went to hartford to cedar hill where my dad is... we went to see him and then we drove thru the whole place looking at monuments then when we were about done we realized that we did not find katherine hepburn or samuel colt so we went to the front and got the maps and then went back in to find them. we got out and walked thru and looked at the little family mausoleums and obelisks and celtic crosses.... i love that stuff and thankfully josh likes it too. i found this out a few years ago when i finally got to go to the really old cemetery in provincetown.... scott never wanted to go to it but the first year we went without him, josh and i walked thru it and took pictures of old stones.... i love the history in cemeteries.

i told josh that i am afraid that when he comes home at the end of this summer that he wont want anything to do with me... he told me that was not true but i know how teenage boys can get... i think this is the year i will loose him until he is an adult... this is the year that things will get really tough for me being a single mother.

i wonder what it is that i might want for my future. my relationship, not near future... more like what i want for myself down the road... when josh is gone to college and grow up.
i hope that i will be ok by myself if i never find anyone who 'fits' with me again. i hope that i am ok dating and living alone.
my ideal situation would be to find someone who loves me and wants to be with me, someone who is looking for 'the one' and i would be 'the one'.... and likewise i want to feel the same way about this person... but going thru these last few years and particularly the last few months i see that this may or may not ever happen.

i used to always say i never want to get married again... but now i think if i found someone i just knew was right... i might consider it.
i know that any type of situation like this is so far in my future that i dont have to worry about things like this right now.
right now i worry about day to day paying bills and getting josh where he needs to go and getting him to accomplish the things he needs to accomplish. play his instruments and progress with them.... so he can get a scholarship when it comes time.

i like having someone interested in me, emotionally, physically, all the good stuff... but i have yet to 'fall'. i fell for pete and i never thought i would... and i never thought he would fall for me either. i guess i would love to feel that falling feeling again. but i know that stuff does not grow on trees, i know that the real thing has to come when it is ready.

until that time i need to be ok being me, single mom from windsor, works full time, takes care of her mom, has some great friends that i get to see when i am lucky.
apparently i have time on my hands today if i am stopping to write all this at 4:16 in the afternoon. josh is out discussing something with the neighbor about fixing something on his jetski.... fluffy is sleeping and i am up here typing away.
i have been thinking about scott from yahoo personals today.
why did that feel so right and it was apparently so wrong?
we met and talked like we knew each other forever. when we finally met face to face it was like he fell for me, and i felt very close to him too, and then it all fell apart because he was eeyore and nothing ever went right for him.
how could that have been so deceiving for me? what kind of lesson was god teaching me there?

and with new patrick, everything is so comfortable but i dont feel any sign of love, just very comfortable friendship and physical attraction.... maybe he is a 'closed' type of person and it will take time to open up to me emotionally... maybe he has been hurt so he keeps guarded.
and maybe i am more guarded as well after scott, maybe i am open to what is out there but guarding my heart this time more closely.

there is so much to think about and really nothing to do about it all.
just be myself, do what i need to do for myself, show that i am interested, and see what the universe has to show me.