update

ok so church was tough for me
you know me, i always cry at church and i felt the need again today
sometimes i really think i am too fragile to go thru all this dating stuff and the single mom stuff
i am overwhelmed with emotion, and none of it really any good right now.

when i write that sentence about me being too fragile i sometimes laugh because i can be such a hard person. i have dealt with so many obstacles and problems and abuse and feeling trapped, and i have over come all of that.
but on the other side of it all is this open wound, wanting and needing comfort and care and everything a relationship can bring.
i am back to the lonely/alone thing again.... i am never alone, i always have josh or jean or (old :)patrick and my mom and work and responsibilities.... i am never ever alone..... but i am lonely in the sense that i really want a boyfriend.
no i do not need one.... of course i dont need one.... i want one.
and is that so wrong.... no it is not.

although there is a 50/50 chance that there is nothing wrong with new patrick and i ... there is still the 50/50 chance that i screwed it all up the other night.
if i did, then i guess it was not meant to be in the end because i was just acting like myself.... no one put me up to those words that i said.... yes i could have chosen better times to say those words but i did not and i cant redo it.

needless to say i have not gotten a call back yet... and honestly i dont expect one.... not for good or bad reasons, i just dont think he will call me today at all.
my new plan is to text, not sure what to say but maybe suggest watching his shows together again tomorrow night because i had fun with him last week.... and/or call again sometime way before bedtime and see what happens then....
i could talk to him today and nothing could be wrong at all... this could very well happen.... or the horrific opposite, he wont call ever again, leave me hanging, and then i have to start all over again.