it was brought to my attention that i was real with myself a few days ago when i said 'i am too freaking busy for anything let alone a relationship!' thank you (my) patrick.... as opposed to (new) patrick :)
i really am... to busy that is.... i still have some paperwork to go thru but if i finish it by the end of the week i will be fine....
but no matter how busy i am ... i still long for a relationship with someone who is actually into me...
still no call from scott.... how long can a person actually loose their voice for? i dont get it... but if this is the way it is going to be, it is just as well because this is not enough of a relationship for me.
frank cant make a decision... i think that one is over....
which leaves new patrick, who i do like but i am so unsure... when someone is on match.com for a few years.... what does that say? maybe it just says they did not have any luck yet... or maybe it says they are seeing oodles of people....
i dont know, still confused and still too busy to be able to set my head straight with all of this.
i decided to think back of things that have happened in my past, to make me know ... realize what i had ... and what i did not have.... to make me set my path for what i am looking for right now.....
i know i want someone who is not afraid to love, and say i love you, alot.
i know i want someone who is caring and gentle, loving and kind, considerate... but who does not want all of that, duh!
i guess i want what everyone else has..... i want someone to dive into, and swim around in .... someone who wants to dive into me too.....
i certainly want exclusivity, i dont share well with others...
i dont want to live on eggshells or hold back anything.... i dont want to ever be afraid of the person i am with......ever again.
i dont want alcoholism, smoking, or drugs
i want someone to understand that i am me, just the way that i am, swearing, messy (although i try so hard to not be messy), not skinny (there are parts of my body that will never get better unless i have surgery, that is the way of it), crazy mom running around like a chicken with it's head cut off half the time, sometimes grouchy (but sex always helps that out a bit) .... good things are.... i am creative, and very loving, i can delve into someone and make them feel like he is the only man on earth, i am a good cook and enjoy all music except country... i have many pluses and minuses but the pluses outnumber the minuses i think....
i have yet to feel that the man i am with is into me as much as i am into them... and that is sad because i so want to feel that feeling.
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