fathers day

ok so today is Fathers day.... it is not a happy day in our family.
the two fathers we have left are ex fathers in law and ex step fathers in law.... i do love them both but we rarely see either of them.... maybe twice a year.
i am going to get josh and go to lunch/brunch somewhere around 11 and then we will head to stafford to his fathers grave site. it is not raining yet today as far as i can tell but it is still wet out from yesterday's rain.... so we wont be able to sit at the cemeteries.
josh may want to bring flowers, i am not sure... i know we can leave them at scott's grave but there are all sorts of rules at my fathers cemetery so i am not sure if we can leave flowers there or not.
we will go to Scott's grave and spend some time and then swing by grampa art's house and leave him a card and then we will go to hartford for my dad's grave then maybe by that time josh can try to give grampa jerry a call on the phone....
this is going to be a road trip of sorts because stafford and hartford are not near each other. i wish the sun was out.

going to send a text to new patrick shortly saying happy fathers day... cause that is how i roll...
in the old days i would have sent one to any father i know, but there are a few fathers i have no interest in talking to anymore, so patrick is the only one who gets a text today.

i am looking around my space and feeling disheveled. not that things are messier than usual.... i am just feeling like i am not totally with it today. like i am not in a good place today... physically i am fine, and my mental state is probably the best it has been in weeks, but i think it is because we have to deal with death on a day like today, i think this is why i am feeling disheveled.... in my head.

gathering thoughts enough to write them down here.... i feel as though every word i write does not make sense, even thought it apparently does....
i am going to go take a shower and see if i can clear the cobwebs.
i feel we are on the verge of a very odd summer.... with josh away so much i am going to miss him, and i am going to have tons of time on my hands.... i feel like i need to hold josh close today... for fear he will slip away and i wont ever see the kid he is today again... by then end of this summer he will be a totally brooding teenager who will want to have nothing to do with me, today he is still a kid and he still loves me.... i feel by the end of the summer he will still love me but he will be so different, i will feel even more alone than i do now.

i think this is why i dont mind just sitting watching a movie with new patrick... this is the stuff my life is missing... just sitting with someone, having conversation, holding hands, maybe a kiss once in a while, it is a bonding that i need and want and that is why just sitting there doing nothing exciting is very comforting to me.
maybe it wont work out with him, it remains to be seen, still so new, and there is so much more to talk about with him.... it could very well be that in a month he might say that he is looking for more than what i can offer, or someone different, or anything like that.
or i might decide that i need more... you never know.... all i know is i am in a good place about it all right now.
i am growing in all of this.... 'processing'.... i am getting to know myself better, what i need and want, what i am capable of doing on my own. i am woman hear me roar kind of thing... i really can do anything i set my mind to. and i am ok with who i am, with or without a boyfriend.
and i know in my heart that when it is right i will be able to tell.... better than i have been able to tell in the past at least. because i can certainly tell when it is wrong... i have had a few of those recently too.
i am ok with the way things are right now. today. this minute. and that is all that matters. this minute.