tuesday

now with the horrific problems of relationships on the back burner for today at least.... i can focus on what is really important, my son, money, my mother, my job.... real things.
it is horrible that relationships can overwhelm me so much that i snap at friends and feel depressed because of it....
yes i am very happy i am seeing new patrick tomorrow night.... i am happy that he still wants to see me and go slow .... i am happy i dont have to start all over again.....
there are so many things in life that require my attention.... and when i am preoccupied with relationship crap... i cant focus well on anything.
when my mom was in the hospital i was in the midst of relationship crap and i forced myself to be there for her and be present for her.... i have to do this everyday.... because there will always be relationship crap.
sure things are going well today but if we dont make our next date.... something for me to look forward to, something for me to hold on to.... i will be in the same predicament....
easy breezy, that is what my goal was , not just breezy but easy too! that is a task in itself.
little steps, dont look further than two days away.... keep real and honest with myself and everyone around me.

it is true and it all comes down to this.... i miss love in my life... i miss being loved with someones whole heart and i miss doing that in return. maybe new patrick is not the one for that job.... maybe he likes me but cant ever love me.... who knows it is too soon to tell... hence the slow and steady part....
but i want that love back.... i want to feel it every day and i want to give it every day.

thought for the day...
why is it so hard for me to just live my life my way, why do i depend so much on others reactions and approval? it sucks to be like that. i do live it my way, no excuses, i just do it.... but after the fact i beat myself up about what i chose to do this time and why i should have done it differently... but if i had done it differently, it would not have been me.