saturday morning

alright so i made it thru one more day.... i was totally freaked out by what i had asked him and i spent the day trying to rationalize maybe why i did it at that particular moment as opposed to any other freaking moment in the whole world, and i got reassurance from my two moral supporters jean and (my) patrick..... and today i am not as freaked out as much.
i am hoping he took it as a compliment and maybe is giving it some thought :)

josh came home last night and we spent the evening together.... it was nice. i went to sleep probably around 10 which was nice too, and a miracle compared to how late i am up lately.... slept till 7:00 and now i am coloring my hair... which i was going to leave for something to do tonight but i said what the hell and did it now instead. spending time with josh was nice and it kept my mind off things with new patrick.... and i am sure he was busy with his boys too.

josh has a lesson at 10 and then i told my mom i would do her shopping and then i think josh and i are going to see a movie.... either prince caspian or indy.... then he will go to her house till tomorrow morning when we have church, then i am taking wendy out for her birthday lunch, with money i dont have.... damn low income.... i hate it!
so anyway... this will leave me with about 6-10 hours of prime time waiting around with nothing to do.... i do plan to call him later just to chat and see how his weekend is going... but who knows if he will answer or remember to call me back... he is slightly forgetful.....
so what will i do with myself from about 3 or 4 today till i go to bed......??? i have no idea.....
i suppose i could go to the storage space and do some cleaning.... if it is not raining out... supposed to be a million degrees today.... yuck!
there are alot of things i could do, cleaning, organizing, bla bla bla.... i hate being broke.... cant go shopping or out to eat at all....

so lets get down to it... the heart of the matter.... how i am feeling about this relationship that has started with the new patrick.... i really like him.... alot. he is funny, and kind, and cute, and tall, and flirty, and all the good things you would want in a man..... he also has pluses like he is employed, has his own place without roommates, has young kids so he can relate to what i am going thru with josh, is a good father, eats healthy, works out, dresses well.... he also seems to really like me, and likes being with me.... we can talk really easily about anything.... i dont think i have anything to fear about what i said to him.... i think he will feel it was a compliment, i hope. i guess we will see if he calls me back or answers my call when i call him later today.
one thing i worry about is that he is such a nice guy and a good catch.... why would he settle for me... cause naturally i think very little of myself when it comes to relationships.... i know i know.... dont get all upset reading this.... i know i am a good catch myself. i know i am a good person and a good friend and i good listener and all the other things that you need to be good at to be a good girlfriend.... i know i am, i have that confidence.... but in relationships.... i have not had that much good luck.... so me as a person, sure i know i am a good catch.... but wanting to hang onto me, that is another story.... i guess i just have to be proven wrong by someone like new patrick, to show me that i am worth hanging on to. :)
with scott (ex husband) that whole thing was a disaster.... with zeke it was me settling for less than i deserved for far too long and with pete it was me getting into something with someone who was not ready for me at that time.
like everyone in the world i would love my next relationship to be my last. i am so ready to give everything i have got to it, i am so ready to find something that is so right.... this feels right to me... but it has to feel right to him too, and it is too soon to tell.... i hope that when we speak this weekend we will plan our next date.... i hope it is monday so we can watch those shows together again and just hang around.... that was so comfortable to me.
please think of me this weekend when you are out and about doing your weekend activities, and give a positive thought my way.... i could be on the edge of something really nice, really good, really right.... i hope that i am.